im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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