some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
