i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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