How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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