seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
