a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
