maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
