Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
