So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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