i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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