i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
