Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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