Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
