you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
