He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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