Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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