How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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