so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Even my vagina gasped.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
