I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
