You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
