Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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