Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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