drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
