I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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