I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Randomize
