Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
