I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Everclear isn't food dammit
last night I used snow as a chaser
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
