If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
