I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
