and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
