I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
