When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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