I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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