I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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