I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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