She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
