How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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