i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
