so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
