Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
