Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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