Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
