My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
