im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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