theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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