I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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