After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
