I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
