You're so nebulous sometimes
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
