My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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